We'll all float on Ok...

I don't seem to know who I am anymore.

Not so long ago I felt like I had it all figured out.  I'm a mom.  I'm a runner.  I'm a teacher.  I'm a friend.  Things were going well.  I had a wonderful new daughter, two amazing boys, and a fantastic support system of friends and family.  I literally had no complaints and was perfectly content any happy.

And then I broke...again.

This wasn't like the first time I felt that I had broke, when my dad had died.  When that happened I feel apart all at once so it was almost easier to out myself back together.  The pieces were right there and easier to find, not scattered over space and time.

I wish I could say I knew the exact moment that it happened, but really it was a series of events that started small, each one separately almost microscopic in size, but together crumbled my world into a million pieces.

I cut back on my running and dropped out of the NYC marathon.

An old friend came back into my life just when I thought I was finally over our past.

I lost a person in my life who I thought was a good friend.

The separation began...and ended...and began...and changed so much that I don't even know where we are at this point.

Most recently I've done things I probably shouldn't have.  I've eaten things I probably shouldn't have.  I've stopped running altogether.  With each passing day, the numbers on the scale keep inching closer to where I said I never wanted to be again.  And the worst part of it all is that I just don't seem to care.  Not about being a bad person, or losing certain people from my life, or even losing everything I worked for.  None of it.

I feel like I'm on the roundabout on the playground spinning more and more out of control each day.  The sad part is that I know I'm the one that's pushing it to go faster and faster.  I am in complete and utter control of this and I can't seem to jump off and just stop. Because I know that when I do I'm going to break even more from the impact.  I know that I'm really going to have to work to find all the pieces and put myself back together again.  Not only in the "now" but in the past too.  The task seems daunting and so impossible that 99% of the time I don't even have the desire to try.

But then, out of the blue, today happened.  The 1%.  The one glimmer of hope I had been hoping for.

We're driving to the park and the library and all three kids are squeezed into the back seat.  Charlotte is singing along to Modest Mouse playing in the background while Oliver and Max argued about how many sheep are in an adjoining field.  The sun was shining in the blue sky as wispy clouds float by, my hand out the window rising and falling in the warm air.  I finally felt it.  What I had been longing to feel for so long lately.  A sense of peace and contentment.   A sense of placement.

This is where I was supposed to be.  Maybe not forever, but at least for right now.

And with that tiny feeling of hope, I know that pretty soon I'll have enough courage to make the leap off the roundabout.  And maybe, just maybe, my feet will actually hit the ground and I'll be able to pick myself up and begin to collect all the pieces.

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Processing

It's been a while since I have written anything.  Life has been busy, and wonderful, and messy and excruciating all at the same time.  But that's usually how life is; the good with the bad, the best with the worst.

As the weather gets warmer I tend to spend most of my time outside, soaking up the sunshine, recharging my batteries, and just letting my mind wander to the tune of a gentle breeze and warmth on my face.  Lately my mind has been drifting more and more to the relationships in my life; friends, foes, loves, lovers, children, colleagues, etc, and how some stay and some go.

Recently, I lost a friend.  I'll save you all the dramatics that surrounded it, but quite simply, one minute we were friends and the next minute we weren't.  And quiet honestly it was for a stupid, arbitrary reason that I won't even dignify by putting it into writing.  There was no falling out.  There was no betrayal.  Quite simply, it just ended.  But irregardless of the reason, I have one less friend than I had before.  Because of that I feel like "less" than I was before, like something in my life is missing...because it is.

And I'm sad.  I miss my friend.

There's something so refreshing about having people with which you can be your unequivocal self, with no questions asked and no judgements posed.  I have very few people like this in my life, so when I find someone who's soul meshes well with mine, I try to hold on to them for as long as I can.  I'm fiercely loyal and protective of these friends, so when one of them has to leave, it hurts.  A lot.

But all this aside, my most recent friendship ending has led me to evaluate many other friendships and relationships in my life.  I have best friends, and close friends, and acquaintances, all of which play integral roles in my life and help shape who I am.   And they all play their self-selected roles well.  We're there for each other.  We check in.  We do the celebrating when it's warranted and the cheering up when needed.  Just by being in my life, every single one of them makes me a better person.

But if that is the case, if I have some truly amazing people in my life, then why, oh why, do I continue my relationships with the toxic ones as well?  Those are the friends that lie, cheat, and manipulate their way through friendships and relationships.  It's usually directed towards other people, not at us.  And we sit back silently and watch the way they treat other, judging quietly, but not saying anything.  Because it will never be us.  They'll never lie to us or manipulate us.  We're safe, we believe.

Until we're not.  Until we realize that we're the ones being lied to. And the moment you catch them in that lie, it's like the wind gets knocked out of you.  You have no breath, you have no words.  And then comes the anger...followed shortly after by the overwhelming sadness.

And we tell ourselves that's just the way they are and it's something we need to put up with in order to keep the friendship.  And up to a short time ago, I would have believed this.  I would have put on my game face, hoped they didn't do it again, and let our lives move on just as they had been doing.

But today...no.  Today I say THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Why the hell am I going to continue to put up with someone who treats me so poorly?  And not just me...but everyone else as well.  And the plain and simple answer is: I'm not.  I have some amazing people in my life, including my most recently lost friend.  I don't need to continue to be friends with the toxic ones; the ones that make me feel less than, the ones that always make me second guess the truth, the ones I simply do not trust.

I'm 35 years old and I know that I still have a lot to figure out when it comes to life, love, and relationships.  Most days I feel like I don't know much at all.  But I do know this.  I'm no longer going to allow these people to be in my life.  I may not always be the most self-confident person, but I do know I'm better than that.

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I am not alone

The other morning I decided to go for another run.  I stuck to my neighborhood because the gym was closed for the holiday.  I thought it might be fun to take the boys with me because they love to run and are constantly running EVERYWHERE!  Of course, they didn't want to run today so after 15 minutes of a failed attempt we went to the park instead.

By the time I finally got us home, it has started to rain.  Now, I was not only annoyed, I was frustrated.  This was only my second day running, and I was not going to run in the rain.  I got home in a bad mood and set the boys up with their snack and a movie while I wallowed.  Sensing my bad mood, the husband spoke up:
               
                 Mike: I thought you were going for a run?
                Me: It's raining now.  I can't go.
                 Mike (after looking out the window): It's barely drizzling.  Wear a jacket, you'll be fine.

While this may seem like an inconsequential exchange for the outsider, that couldn't be farther from the truth.  Since I began "re-going" to the gym in January, I have felt like I was in this alone.  Sure, I have friends I have been working  out with, but none of them are truly in the state I am in.  Having to wake up at 4:50 so I can make it to the gym at 5:30 in the morning so I can be home to cook dinner and spend at least a little time with the kids before bedtime.  To feel guilty when they are home at night and I am leaving for a gym class and leaving the hubs alone with them AGAIN, even though he has just done it ALL DAY. To be drastically changing the food we buy and cook without even really discussing it with anyone just so I don't have the crappy food in the house.

It wasn't until I was a few weeks in that I realized that I was not doing this alone, though it seemed like all my healthy ideas and changes were not as positive as I thought.  Every decision I was making to better "me" was also having a slightly negative affect on the people around me.  While I have more energy, I was also tired more often at night because of waking up so early.  This used to be the time I spent hanging and talking with the hubs.  Now all I wanted to do was curl up in the comfy chair and go to bed.  While I used to have a class of wine at night (at least) I only allow myself to drink once a week...so we don't buy it.  In the beginning, my body was seriously going through withdrawal of all the crappy food, processed food, sugared food I used to eat/drink so I was, to put it mildly, more annoying and bitchy than usual.

I had begun to really wonder if what I was doing was even worth it.  Sure, in the long run I was looking better (second goal) and feeling better (main goal), I was making better and healthier choices, but was my family suffering because of me?  Was I being selfish?  Then, when I didn't want to go, Mike encouraged me go and I began to realize that maybe all the negativity I was feeling wasn't being projected on to me as I previously thought.  Maybe I was projecting it onto myself so I always had a "reason" to quit when it got too hard to continue.

I realize now that I am not alone.  I have my friends cheering me on at the gym.  I have my colleagues cheering me on at work.  And best of all, I now know that I have my family cheering me on every step of the way.

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A Pat on the Back

I know my last post was all about me trying to figure out who I am and also make sure I am doing things to better myself.  I promise, as much as I can, I have been actively trying.  I think a lot of the time I tend to spend most of my time talking about my kids because I have never been that confident in myself.  I don't like talking about myself, and I rarely enjoy attention.  But for once, without any shame (or dignity for that matter) I will be talking about me, and some important changes and accomplishments I have made.

Last summer I was going to the gym pretty regularly and kinda enjoyed it.  I made some strides, but really wasn't taking it to seriously.  Once the school year started, though, I was a goner. This school year was really trying and between that and two kids three and under, I barely had energy to get out of the car when I got home from work, let alone, go to the gym. I mean, I made it once or twice, but that was it.

Then a friend and I (Hi Jane!) decided we needed to get our butts in gear and signed up for the Y-Fit Challenge at the gym.  Basically, it was the Biggest Loser at the Y, but without the voting off.  For 10 weeks we worked out crazily and watched everything we ate.  I upped my gym visits from 0 times per week to 3 three times per week.  I kept going and persevered.  And while we didn't win (though we came close), we finished!  

In that 10 weeks I dropped 24 pounds but gained so much more.  I made new friends, people who are also working towards something like I am, and even strengthened friendships I had before.  I now love the gym and go 6-7 times per week.  I don't feel guilty when I can't make it, but sad, because the gym has become like my church or sanctuary, a place where I can have some me time and reflect on the day.  I look forward to my gym time (even at 5:30 am) whether it's just me on a machine or a class I'm taking.

I was worried when the Challenge ended I wouldn't be able to keep it up, but I'm proud to say I have.  I'm down 32 pounds now and today I finished my first Couch 2 5K workout.  I ran/walked a very slow 18 minute mile, but that's an accomplishment for me and I'm proud of it.  

The best part of this whole thing is that the competition is no longer my motivator; I am.  It's not about counting the calories or losing more pounds than others, it's about being able to do the things I used to not be able to do: stay on the elliptical for 60 minutes at a time, run on the treadmill, being flexible enough to touch my toes without bending my knees, having the energy to do things with my kids, and of course feel good about myself.

I know I still have a long way to go, but my confidence is building every day, as is my resolve to keep going, and right now, that's what matters.

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What Happened to ME?

When I started (or I guess restarted as I've had about 6-7 blogs prior to this one) this blog the whole idea behind it was to document my road to becoming a "better person".  There were things about myself and my life that I knew I wanted to change, but had no real motivation (for lack of a better word) to do it.  Then suddenly, most of my posts became about my kids.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and most days they are my reason for waking up every morning, but I am beginning to wonder when did I stop thinking about me?

I know that sounds like a selfish question.  Think about me?  Who has time for that?  I work full time at an inner city elementary school in Baltimore so for 8 hours a day the livelihood of 25 kindergartners is in my hands.  When I get home I have two children who crave my constant attention and need my constant supervision.  Then when they finally go to bed around 8:30 (which is really 9:30 because of how long the bed time routine takes when the big one wants one more hug, one more sip of water, or hears my spoon clink in my bowl and is downstairs begging for my ice cream), I still have the husband to pay attention to because he has been neglected all day and he deserves adult interaction and attention.  I think try to give attention while sinking slowly into my comfy chair in the living room and will my eyelids to stay open for just one more hour.  It's a never ending process and it's highly exhausting.

I feel like most days I tend to define myself by those other people in my life and those titles are the things that stand out.  The list seems to go like this:

1. Mother

2. Wife

3. Teacher

4. Cassie

At what point did I wind up 4th?  This is not to say I don't cherish being 1, 2, 3. My kids and my husband are my LIFE and I don't ever regret getting married or having kids, and my job, even though I complain about it, is very important to me.  But at this point I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore without the titles of mother, wife, and teacher attached to me, or am I even anything without those titles?  Am I even allowed to be?  

And really, it's almost like a double edged sword.  Have these titles taken over who I am on their own, or have I just been passive and let them because it's easier?  Small case in point: I recently went to the dentist because of a broken tooth and found that I had more cavities than just that one.  My dentist (who was very nice about it) asked how long it's been since I visited a dentist.  I have him the embarrassing answer of 5 years (though really it's probably been more).  When he asked why I gave him the standard answers: busy because of work, busy because of the kids, etc.  When in reality, I was just lazy and didn't want to go to the dentist.  

I'm feeling like maybe I'm just using the 1, 2, 3 titles as a crutch so I won't focus on myself and I know this has got to stop.  I need to work to find a balance between all four titles so I can be happier and, in turn, we can all be happier.

Now...where to start?  

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No Regrets

Each year I try and come up with a few (dozen) New Year's resolutions, and every year I fail miserably when trying to follow them.  Maybe it's because I know that 7 million other people are making the same exact ones (eat healthier, exercise more, yell at the kids less).  I don't know.  The point is that this year I am only going to make one resolution: no regrets.  I have spent so many years regretting almost every decision I have made and I realize this is a giant waste of my time.  No matter what choice I made I always figured that it was the wrong one, that maybe the grass was greener on the other side of the fence.  Then I worry and complain and whine because yet again I didn't get my way (when in fact, that's exactly what I got).

I came up with this resolution a few nights ago when a friend asked me and my husband out for New Years Eve.  I had to decline because of the kids and I began to reminisce about what it was like before I had kids.  When M was first born I was too scared to ever think that way.  M was our little miracle baby after a bunch of mishaps so it felt almost blasphemous to feel tired and simply need a break.  Once O came along though, the weight of working full time and having two tiny kids really did start to take its toll and I began to remember what it felt like to sleep in, eat whenever/whatever I wanted, drive out to the beach on a moments notice, pick up and move to a different state, go out with friends when they invited...

I started to think where I would be if I hadn't had kids.  Would I be teaching english in Chile?  Would I have joined the Peace Corps?  Would I be getting my Ph.D?  All these little thoughts begin to creep into my sub conscience and I start to feel jilted, like I would be so much happier and better off if I had waited for a few more years and really done these wonderful, un-kid friendly things.

And then O looks at me a cracks up and M comes over to give me a snuggle and I realize had I become that person, running around the world doing all these wonderful things, what I would be thinking is how wonderful I bet my life would be if I had children to share it with.

Here's to no regrets in 2012.

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