What Happened to ME?

When I started (or I guess restarted as I've had about 6-7 blogs prior to this one) this blog the whole idea behind it was to document my road to becoming a "better person".  There were things about myself and my life that I knew I wanted to change, but had no real motivation (for lack of a better word) to do it.  Then suddenly, most of my posts became about my kids.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and most days they are my reason for waking up every morning, but I am beginning to wonder when did I stop thinking about me?

I know that sounds like a selfish question.  Think about me?  Who has time for that?  I work full time at an inner city elementary school in Baltimore so for 8 hours a day the livelihood of 25 kindergartners is in my hands.  When I get home I have two children who crave my constant attention and need my constant supervision.  Then when they finally go to bed around 8:30 (which is really 9:30 because of how long the bed time routine takes when the big one wants one more hug, one more sip of water, or hears my spoon clink in my bowl and is downstairs begging for my ice cream), I still have the husband to pay attention to because he has been neglected all day and he deserves adult interaction and attention.  I think try to give attention while sinking slowly into my comfy chair in the living room and will my eyelids to stay open for just one more hour.  It's a never ending process and it's highly exhausting.

I feel like most days I tend to define myself by those other people in my life and those titles are the things that stand out.  The list seems to go like this:

1. Mother

2. Wife

3. Teacher

4. Cassie

At what point did I wind up 4th?  This is not to say I don't cherish being 1, 2, 3. My kids and my husband are my LIFE and I don't ever regret getting married or having kids, and my job, even though I complain about it, is very important to me.  But at this point I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore without the titles of mother, wife, and teacher attached to me, or am I even anything without those titles?  Am I even allowed to be?  

And really, it's almost like a double edged sword.  Have these titles taken over who I am on their own, or have I just been passive and let them because it's easier?  Small case in point: I recently went to the dentist because of a broken tooth and found that I had more cavities than just that one.  My dentist (who was very nice about it) asked how long it's been since I visited a dentist.  I have him the embarrassing answer of 5 years (though really it's probably been more).  When he asked why I gave him the standard answers: busy because of work, busy because of the kids, etc.  When in reality, I was just lazy and didn't want to go to the dentist.  

I'm feeling like maybe I'm just using the 1, 2, 3 titles as a crutch so I won't focus on myself and I know this has got to stop.  I need to work to find a balance between all four titles so I can be happier and, in turn, we can all be happier.

Now...where to start?