I am not alone

The other morning I decided to go for another run.  I stuck to my neighborhood because the gym was closed for the holiday.  I thought it might be fun to take the boys with me because they love to run and are constantly running EVERYWHERE!  Of course, they didn't want to run today so after 15 minutes of a failed attempt we went to the park instead.

By the time I finally got us home, it has started to rain.  Now, I was not only annoyed, I was frustrated.  This was only my second day running, and I was not going to run in the rain.  I got home in a bad mood and set the boys up with their snack and a movie while I wallowed.  Sensing my bad mood, the husband spoke up:
               
                 Mike: I thought you were going for a run?
                Me: It's raining now.  I can't go.
                 Mike (after looking out the window): It's barely drizzling.  Wear a jacket, you'll be fine.

While this may seem like an inconsequential exchange for the outsider, that couldn't be farther from the truth.  Since I began "re-going" to the gym in January, I have felt like I was in this alone.  Sure, I have friends I have been working  out with, but none of them are truly in the state I am in.  Having to wake up at 4:50 so I can make it to the gym at 5:30 in the morning so I can be home to cook dinner and spend at least a little time with the kids before bedtime.  To feel guilty when they are home at night and I am leaving for a gym class and leaving the hubs alone with them AGAIN, even though he has just done it ALL DAY. To be drastically changing the food we buy and cook without even really discussing it with anyone just so I don't have the crappy food in the house.

It wasn't until I was a few weeks in that I realized that I was not doing this alone, though it seemed like all my healthy ideas and changes were not as positive as I thought.  Every decision I was making to better "me" was also having a slightly negative affect on the people around me.  While I have more energy, I was also tired more often at night because of waking up so early.  This used to be the time I spent hanging and talking with the hubs.  Now all I wanted to do was curl up in the comfy chair and go to bed.  While I used to have a class of wine at night (at least) I only allow myself to drink once a week...so we don't buy it.  In the beginning, my body was seriously going through withdrawal of all the crappy food, processed food, sugared food I used to eat/drink so I was, to put it mildly, more annoying and bitchy than usual.

I had begun to really wonder if what I was doing was even worth it.  Sure, in the long run I was looking better (second goal) and feeling better (main goal), I was making better and healthier choices, but was my family suffering because of me?  Was I being selfish?  Then, when I didn't want to go, Mike encouraged me go and I began to realize that maybe all the negativity I was feeling wasn't being projected on to me as I previously thought.  Maybe I was projecting it onto myself so I always had a "reason" to quit when it got too hard to continue.

I realize now that I am not alone.  I have my friends cheering me on at the gym.  I have my colleagues cheering me on at work.  And best of all, I now know that I have my family cheering me on every step of the way.

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A Pat on the Back

I know my last post was all about me trying to figure out who I am and also make sure I am doing things to better myself.  I promise, as much as I can, I have been actively trying.  I think a lot of the time I tend to spend most of my time talking about my kids because I have never been that confident in myself.  I don't like talking about myself, and I rarely enjoy attention.  But for once, without any shame (or dignity for that matter) I will be talking about me, and some important changes and accomplishments I have made.

Last summer I was going to the gym pretty regularly and kinda enjoyed it.  I made some strides, but really wasn't taking it to seriously.  Once the school year started, though, I was a goner. This school year was really trying and between that and two kids three and under, I barely had energy to get out of the car when I got home from work, let alone, go to the gym. I mean, I made it once or twice, but that was it.

Then a friend and I (Hi Jane!) decided we needed to get our butts in gear and signed up for the Y-Fit Challenge at the gym.  Basically, it was the Biggest Loser at the Y, but without the voting off.  For 10 weeks we worked out crazily and watched everything we ate.  I upped my gym visits from 0 times per week to 3 three times per week.  I kept going and persevered.  And while we didn't win (though we came close), we finished!  

In that 10 weeks I dropped 24 pounds but gained so much more.  I made new friends, people who are also working towards something like I am, and even strengthened friendships I had before.  I now love the gym and go 6-7 times per week.  I don't feel guilty when I can't make it, but sad, because the gym has become like my church or sanctuary, a place where I can have some me time and reflect on the day.  I look forward to my gym time (even at 5:30 am) whether it's just me on a machine or a class I'm taking.

I was worried when the Challenge ended I wouldn't be able to keep it up, but I'm proud to say I have.  I'm down 32 pounds now and today I finished my first Couch 2 5K workout.  I ran/walked a very slow 18 minute mile, but that's an accomplishment for me and I'm proud of it.  

The best part of this whole thing is that the competition is no longer my motivator; I am.  It's not about counting the calories or losing more pounds than others, it's about being able to do the things I used to not be able to do: stay on the elliptical for 60 minutes at a time, run on the treadmill, being flexible enough to touch my toes without bending my knees, having the energy to do things with my kids, and of course feel good about myself.

I know I still have a long way to go, but my confidence is building every day, as is my resolve to keep going, and right now, that's what matters.

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What Happened to ME?

When I started (or I guess restarted as I've had about 6-7 blogs prior to this one) this blog the whole idea behind it was to document my road to becoming a "better person".  There were things about myself and my life that I knew I wanted to change, but had no real motivation (for lack of a better word) to do it.  Then suddenly, most of my posts became about my kids.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and most days they are my reason for waking up every morning, but I am beginning to wonder when did I stop thinking about me?

I know that sounds like a selfish question.  Think about me?  Who has time for that?  I work full time at an inner city elementary school in Baltimore so for 8 hours a day the livelihood of 25 kindergartners is in my hands.  When I get home I have two children who crave my constant attention and need my constant supervision.  Then when they finally go to bed around 8:30 (which is really 9:30 because of how long the bed time routine takes when the big one wants one more hug, one more sip of water, or hears my spoon clink in my bowl and is downstairs begging for my ice cream), I still have the husband to pay attention to because he has been neglected all day and he deserves adult interaction and attention.  I think try to give attention while sinking slowly into my comfy chair in the living room and will my eyelids to stay open for just one more hour.  It's a never ending process and it's highly exhausting.

I feel like most days I tend to define myself by those other people in my life and those titles are the things that stand out.  The list seems to go like this:

1. Mother

2. Wife

3. Teacher

4. Cassie

At what point did I wind up 4th?  This is not to say I don't cherish being 1, 2, 3. My kids and my husband are my LIFE and I don't ever regret getting married or having kids, and my job, even though I complain about it, is very important to me.  But at this point I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore without the titles of mother, wife, and teacher attached to me, or am I even anything without those titles?  Am I even allowed to be?  

And really, it's almost like a double edged sword.  Have these titles taken over who I am on their own, or have I just been passive and let them because it's easier?  Small case in point: I recently went to the dentist because of a broken tooth and found that I had more cavities than just that one.  My dentist (who was very nice about it) asked how long it's been since I visited a dentist.  I have him the embarrassing answer of 5 years (though really it's probably been more).  When he asked why I gave him the standard answers: busy because of work, busy because of the kids, etc.  When in reality, I was just lazy and didn't want to go to the dentist.  

I'm feeling like maybe I'm just using the 1, 2, 3 titles as a crutch so I won't focus on myself and I know this has got to stop.  I need to work to find a balance between all four titles so I can be happier and, in turn, we can all be happier.

Now...where to start?  

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