I am not alone

The other morning I decided to go for another run.  I stuck to my neighborhood because the gym was closed for the holiday.  I thought it might be fun to take the boys with me because they love to run and are constantly running EVERYWHERE!  Of course, they didn't want to run today so after 15 minutes of a failed attempt we went to the park instead.

By the time I finally got us home, it has started to rain.  Now, I was not only annoyed, I was frustrated.  This was only my second day running, and I was not going to run in the rain.  I got home in a bad mood and set the boys up with their snack and a movie while I wallowed.  Sensing my bad mood, the husband spoke up:
               
                 Mike: I thought you were going for a run?
                Me: It's raining now.  I can't go.
                 Mike (after looking out the window): It's barely drizzling.  Wear a jacket, you'll be fine.

While this may seem like an inconsequential exchange for the outsider, that couldn't be farther from the truth.  Since I began "re-going" to the gym in January, I have felt like I was in this alone.  Sure, I have friends I have been working  out with, but none of them are truly in the state I am in.  Having to wake up at 4:50 so I can make it to the gym at 5:30 in the morning so I can be home to cook dinner and spend at least a little time with the kids before bedtime.  To feel guilty when they are home at night and I am leaving for a gym class and leaving the hubs alone with them AGAIN, even though he has just done it ALL DAY. To be drastically changing the food we buy and cook without even really discussing it with anyone just so I don't have the crappy food in the house.

It wasn't until I was a few weeks in that I realized that I was not doing this alone, though it seemed like all my healthy ideas and changes were not as positive as I thought.  Every decision I was making to better "me" was also having a slightly negative affect on the people around me.  While I have more energy, I was also tired more often at night because of waking up so early.  This used to be the time I spent hanging and talking with the hubs.  Now all I wanted to do was curl up in the comfy chair and go to bed.  While I used to have a class of wine at night (at least) I only allow myself to drink once a week...so we don't buy it.  In the beginning, my body was seriously going through withdrawal of all the crappy food, processed food, sugared food I used to eat/drink so I was, to put it mildly, more annoying and bitchy than usual.

I had begun to really wonder if what I was doing was even worth it.  Sure, in the long run I was looking better (second goal) and feeling better (main goal), I was making better and healthier choices, but was my family suffering because of me?  Was I being selfish?  Then, when I didn't want to go, Mike encouraged me go and I began to realize that maybe all the negativity I was feeling wasn't being projected on to me as I previously thought.  Maybe I was projecting it onto myself so I always had a "reason" to quit when it got too hard to continue.

I realize now that I am not alone.  I have my friends cheering me on at the gym.  I have my colleagues cheering me on at work.  And best of all, I now know that I have my family cheering me on every step of the way.